The Blah Blah Naruto Blah Crossover
by junodog
Summary: Crossover Fullmetal Alchemist and Naruto, Edward Elric is in need of a bodyguard with badass ninja skillz. Half crack, half serious plot. Manly angst.
1. Chapter 1

Yes, a split-personality fic that bounces from serious to crack in the blink of an eye… just like me IRL! Le gaspage. I don't remember when I started this fic, but here it is.

Anyway, you'll notice something that isn't quite right in the fic. Since it's amusing, however, I'm leaving it as is and just dealing with it later through crack.

Disclaimer: I do not hate Naruto. I just like making fun of it. I tease because I love. But I also like FMA better.

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The scowl seemed to be a permanent fixture on his face as the two walked through the Leaf Village toward the thingy where Roy could drop Ed off. Somehow, through circumstances I'm not going to go into because it would require coming up with some super-awesome theory and I'm sick and not in the mood to come up with said theory, Amestris and the Fire Nation were buddies, and Edward Elric's life was in danger. Someone was coming after him, someone incredibly dangerous. A ninja named Eiron had heard of Ed's abilities and wanted to get his hands on the midge- young alchemist. Roy Mustang had heard about the ninjas of Leaf Village and had contacted them to see if they could help.

Ed was not so happy about the situation. He and his brother had been getting ready to go on another search for the Philosopher's Stone when word had gotten out about Eiron. Roy had met him at the train station and ordered him to return with him to East City headquarters. At first, Ed had refused, but then his brother had picked him up and carried him to the car, where Roy had explained the situation.

And now he was here. In some ninja village. Where he'd be for the next few weeks until the situation was worked out.

Roy sighed when he saw the scowl hadn't left Ed's face. "Hey, I know you aren't happy about this, but we have to keep you safe. The ninjas here are very talented. They'll protect you."

"Yeah, and who's going to protect you when I get back and find that we missed our chance?" Ed retorted.

"You aren't going to miss your chance, Fullmetal. If you do, then I'll personally see to it that the situation gets resolved."

"Yeah right."

The arguing continued until the two reached their final destination.

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Ten minutes passed by. Naruto yawned. Sasuke stretched. Sakura began bitching. An hour passed. The cycle continued. Kakashi finally showed up. "Yo."

"You're late!" Naruto yelled, pointing a finger at Kakashi.

"Sorry, something came up…"

"Yeah, right."

"Anyway, let's get going. We're starting a new mission today."

"What kind of mission?" Naruto asked as they began walking.

"We'll be protecting a fifteen-year-old boy from the country of Amestris. He has a high status in his country, along with a reputation he probably didn't intend on gaining, which has gotten him into trouble."

"What kind of trouble?" Sakura asked.

"Evidently someone is after his life, and the military of Amestris isn't able to handle someone who is capable of using the jutsus you've grown up studying."

"So basically we're going to be protecting some weakling?" Naruto asked.

"Just because they don't know anything about ninjas doesn't mean they're weak. They simply focus their research on other technologies."

"Like what?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I heard that this boy is a very capable user of renkinjutsu, or alchemy as it's more commonly called."

"Renkinjutsu?"

"I don't know much about it, but it's very powerful, not to mention difficult to understand."

"So if he's so talented, how come he needs our help?"

"It's just a precaution. Think about it this way, Naruto. You're able to fight off enemies with a certain amount of ease, but when you drink some bad milk, you're at your weakest. Have you ever thought about how easy it would be to kill you off with something like that?"

Naruto paused, trying to come up with a good comeback. He couldn't.

"So you're saying that ninjutsu and the other jutsus are like bad milk to this kid?" Sasuke asked.

"Something like that."

"What's this kid's name?" Sakura asked as they arrived at the room where they would meet their new assignment.

"He's Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist."

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Ed glanced at the four people who entered the room at that moment. _What, so they have ninja school here? What a stupid idea,_ Ed thought as they went up to the big table where the Third Hokage sat. The adult of the group spoke with the Hokage for a while. Roy took this time to give Ed some parting advice.

"Don't do anything stupid, okay, Fullmetal?"

"Whatever."

"I mean it. If I have to do more paperwork because of you…"

"Is that all you care about? Bastard."

Ed looked over to see that the shortest of the three kids was looking at him. He didn't seem too impressed with Ed. Ed shot the same look back at him. That look turned into one of dismay as the group came over to where Ed and Roy were standing._ Please don't say…_

"Roy Mustang?" the adult inquired.

Roy nodded. "I assume you're the ones who'll be guarding Mr. Elric?"

"That's right. I'm Kakashi Hatake. These three are still learning, but they're very capable."

"That's good. I have to get back to work, so I'll leave him in your hands."

"Hey, wait a minute, Colonel. You're just leaving me here with a bunch of little kids?" Ed asked.

"Look who's talking, shrimp!" the short blonde one shot back.

"Don't call me a shrimp!"

Roy grabbed Ed's shoulder before the alchemist could do anything. "Hey, didn't I just tell you not to do anything stupid?"

Ed turned to face Roy. "Oh, like you're one to talk. What about that incident last week with the-"

"That's besides the point! You seem to be forgetting who's in charge here, Fullmetal. Or do you want me to reveal your little secret?"

"Wha- that's dirty!"

Roy smirked. "Just deal with it until this is over, got it?" He waved and walked out of the room, leaving a fuming Ed behind.

Ed felt a hand on his shoulder. "Come on, let's get going," Kakashi said.

Ed unwillingly trudged out of the room with the group, shooting death glares at the stupid-looking blonde ninja in the orange jumpsuit.

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The four ninjas and Ed sat in a circle in a hotel room, discussing how the next few weeks would go. Ed was still skeptical that three kids would be able to do much good, but not as much as he had been. Except for when it came to Naruto. Kakashi had a good feeling there would be major problems when it came to Ed and Naruto.

Naruto was unnecessarily smug for the first evening. Ed noticed the smirk on his face and scowled. He decided to ask about it.

"Is there something amusing about me being stuck here?" he asked.

"Yeah. You're fifteen and you can't even protect yourself. Not to mention you're shorter than me."

Ed stood up. "That's a lie."

Naruto stood up as well. "You wanna bet? Hey, Sakura, who's taller?"

Sakura took her time in measuring the two, making it blatantly obvious that she was taller than them both. Then she took several steps back and kept her eyes on Ed, moving into a defensive stance. "Naruto is."

Naruto laughed, while Ed stared blankly at him. "No way…"

"It's true."

Ed tried to think of something to say. This was a huge blow to his pride. Then he pointed at Naruto. "You're wearing shoes!"

"So are you."

"………You're stupid!"

"Hey!"

Ed felt a hand on his head. He looked back to see Kakashi standing right behind him. "Hey now, let's not start a fight."

Ed was about to push all the blame on Naruto when he saw that Kakashi had a very worrisome look in his eye. He calmed down immediately. Kakashi smiled under his mask. "Good. Let's go eat."

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They sat around a table in the restaurant, waiting patiently for the food to arrive. As they waited, Kakashi and Naruto left for the bathroom. Sakura used this opportunity to find out more about Ed.

"Um… sorry about Naruto, he's not exactly…"

"He's an idiot," Sasuke interjected.

"Yeah. And… he's only taller by a hair…"

Ed ignored this last part. He stared pointedly at the wall, trying to make it clear that he wasn't in the mood to talk. This greatly bothered Sakura.

"Hey, you could at least try to be friendly. It's not my fault our team got selected for this. Just because we're younger than you-"

"I don't care about that."

"Eh?"

"I have better things to do. I don't want to be here at all. That stupid bastard Colonel dragged me into this."

"He probably just wants to keep you safe."

"Yeah, because he doesn't want to deal with all the paperwork."

"Are you really that important?"

Ed shrugged. "To them, I guess."

Sakura paused. "So… what exactly is renkinjutsu?"

"I'll show you later."

At that moment, Kakashi and Naruto returned. Shortly after, their food arrived. Ed stared incredulously at the drink before him.

"You have got to be kidding me."

Naruto looked over at him. "What, you don't like it?"

"Hell no! It's nasty!"

"Are you afraid of it?"

"No."

"Then why are you looking at it like it's the plague?"

Ed ignored him and continued eating, thinking, _how the hell did I get stuck with milk anyway?_

---------------

The next morning, Naruto felt like crap. And crap he did. Ed was rather surprised to see that everyone else didn't seem to care. Not that he cared about Naruto's problems, but…

"Oh, don't worry about him," Sakura said. "He doesn't do well with bad milk. And he seems to attract it."

Ed felt strangely smug at that moment. _Serves him right for liking the stuff._

After a while, Naruto got over his well-deserved illness and noticed that Ed was wearing gloves, but being the moron he is, he didn't think about it for a long time. Instead, he quietly listened as Ed explained the basics of alchemy to the rest of the team. After a while, he lost interest because Ed was using too many big words, but his interest peaked when he saw a flash of light come from beneath Ed's hands, and a giant… creature of some sort appeared out of the floor.

"Not bad," Kakashi said approvingly. "No wonder they let you in at such a young age."

Sasuke stared at Ed's creation for a while. "Um… what exactly is that?"

Ed stared blankly at Sasuke. "It's a horse. Can't you tell?"

"It looks like a demon horse," Sakura said as she walked around it.

"Close enough," Ed snapped.

Naruto laughed. "You can't even get your animals straight!" His comment was rewarded with a punch in the face that sent him flying. Once he recovered, Naruto stared at Ed in shock.

"Wow, that was really strong! It's like your hand's made out of metal!"

Ed glared at Naruto before silently walking out of the room. He'd had enough of the blonde ninja for a while. He sat down at the edge of the railing-less balcony and stared out over the ninja village. "Stupid moron not noticing the automail… what do you want?" Ed snapped at Kakashi, who had followed Ed out and was now standing behind him.

"Nothing." Kakashi sat down next to Ed. "I just wanted to make sure you aren't trying to run off. Mustang said you don't always use common sense."

Ed ignored Kakashi's comment and continued looking out at the village. "I'm not that stupid."

"Good."

It was quiet for a while before Kakashi spoke again. "Don't let Naruto bother you. He didn't mean to offend you with that metal comment."

"He's gotta be a moron if he just now noticed it."

Kakashi chuckled. "He does have his moments, though."

Ed snorted. "I'm sure."

"Hey. Why did it bother you so much?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your arm. What exactly makes you hate it so much?"

Ed looked at his right hand. "You know what this is, don't you?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Can't say that I do."

"It's a replacement. I lost my arm and leg four years ago and had to get these."

"Do you ever think of it as an advantage?"

"Sometimes. It depends on the situation." Ed thought about it for a while. "It's a real pain to get installed."

"I can see why."

Ed looked back at the horizon. It was quiet for a while, and Ed found himself wondering if the masked poof-head would ever leave. Eventually, Ed got sick of the lack of noise and spoke again.

"Why can't my brother be here?"

"He's not a target and he would be too easily recognizable," Kakashi replied. "We're perfectly capable of protecting you, but it would be better if we could avoid any sort of confrontation in the first place."

Ed sighed, pulled his left leg back up, and rested his arm on it. He didn't feel like going inside, but he figured he'd have to soon enough…

"Come on. You shouldn't be outside for too long."

And there it was. Ed got up and followed Kakashi inside.

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I CAN'T READ. So, I looked up Naruto's height on Wikipedia, and on there it said 4'9". So I assumed that meant that he's taller than someone who's 4'11". Yeah. Apparently I'm not as brilliant as people say I am. How the hell did I get into college?

Also, it goes fast because I'm not putting any real effort into it. XD Other chapters will be less fast-paced, but you know.


	2. Chapter 2

I really need to come up with an update pattern of some sort… Believe it or not, I feel bad about not updating a story for month on end…

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Two days. Two days, thirteen hours, and sixteen minutes. That's how long Ed had been stuck in this place, and he was already sick of it. He pulled the pillow over his head and held it there with all his might in the hopes that it would muffle the screams from the bathroom.

"Get out of here, you perv!"

"Ow! What'd I do?"

Ed stuffed bits of cloth in his ears.

"DON'T WALK IN HERE WHEN YOU HEAR THE WATER RUNNING, YOU MORON!"

Ed pulled the blanket over the pillow.

"Oh, yeah? WHO WOULD WANT TO GET A LOOK AT YOU, UGLY?"

_Why are these people all awake at four-thirty in the morning, anyway?_

"Hey, would you keep it down? Your noise is distracting me."

_Thank you, Sasuke…_

"Hey, are you planning on sleeping for much longer?"

Ed groaned and pulled his body away from Kakashi's hand. He was seriously about to kill someone…

"Just leave him. He'll be easier to deal with if he's asleep," Sasuke said.

_If I didn't want sleep so badly, I'd punch your lights out for saying that…_

"He'd have to be very determined to sleep through all this."

_And obviously I'm not succeeding…_

Sasuke let out a deep sigh. "I'll go get them to shut up."

_Once again, thank you._

Once it was quiet in the room, Ed heard Kakashi's voice again. "Still tired?"

Ed grunted, not in the mood to deal with any of this.

"Is there anything you'd like to do today other than sleep?"

Ed shook the blanket off of his right hand and pointed his middle finger at Kakashi. He really was sick of this place…

All of a sudden, Ed's arms were pinned behind his back, and anything that Ed was using in sleep was out of reach. He blinked several times, trying to figure out what had happened.

"Listen. I know you hate being here, but believe it or not, I'm trying to make it pleasant. Now, is there anything you want to do today?"

"I don't know!" Ed answered, hoping that would be satisfactory for the ninja poof man. And really, he had no idea what he wanted to do.

"You really have no idea."

"No."

Kakashi let go of Ed, who sat up and rubbed his wrists. "Then we'll just have to come up with something."

Ed let out an irritated growl before falling back onto the sleeping bag thing these people called beds. "Why do you have to be up so early?"

"Because we're ninjas."

"Well, I'm not. I'm going back to bed."

"Suit yourself." Ed heard footsteps and a door shut as he closed his eyes and began to fall back asleep.

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It wasn't as obvious at first, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. And when he woke up to Naruto pounding his upper body with the pillow Ed had been using, it was so obvious it hurt. Clearly, Ed wasn't meant to sleep in this village.

"Get up! We're leaving in ten minutes!"

Ed snatched the pillow from Naruto's group and quickly transmuted it into something harder before smacking Naruto upside the head with it. The ninja was taken aback for a moment, which Ed used to stand up, grab his clothes for today, and head to the bathroom. The clock in there said 9:20, so Ed had gotten almost five hours of sleep. Sheer bliss.

He supposed he couldn't complain much today. Partially because he wasn't about to fall asleep where he stood, and partially because he was afraid of Kakashi. No matter what he did, it always seemed like his life was in danger with that man around.

As soon as he was dressed and ready, Ed exited the bathroom, shot Naruto a death glare that seemed to have become a tradition between the two, and followed the group outside. He still had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't too concerned. They were protecting him, after all, and there was little that could scar him for life.

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…_That's what I said, but this… might prove me wrong,_ Ed thought as he stared at the two figures in front of them.

"Behold, young lad, for I am Kakashi's long-time rival! Soon you will wish that my team had been assigned to you!"

Ed's eye twitched. All he could think was _big eyebrows big eyebrows big eyebrows and spandex, oh dear god, why me?_

"Ed? You okay?" came a voice from behind him. Ed snapped out of his horrified trance to look over at Sakura.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Don't worry, this'll only last a few more minutes. Gai-sensei doesn't do this all the time. It's just because you're new to the area."

Ed frowned as he watched what seemed to be some form of erotic dancing for a split second before quickly turning back to Sakura. "He does this to everyone?"

"Not on purpose. It's just his personality."

Ed groaned. This was too much for him.

"I guess it could be worse, though," he commented, still making it a point to ignore the show. "There's someone like that back home. The only thing he's missing is the muscles, the moustache, and the pink sparkles."

"So, my rival, what are you doing this fine morning?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Just giving him a tour of the village."

"You should show him the training area next. My team is there, and I'm sure he'd appreciate seeing real ninjas at work," Gai said with a wink in Ed's direction.

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The previous paragraph comes from a moment when I was attempting to download the latest chapter of FMA and my internet decided to be a whiny little piece of shit. Please ignore this, as it contains no relevance to the story.

Ed rolled his eyes. If this guy had students, would he even _want_ to see how they trained?

"Actually, that's not such a bad idea," Kakashi agreed. "Any objections?"

Ed shook his head. It's not like there was anything else to do around here…

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Again, the previous paragraph was a result of slow internet and frustration, and not part of the story at all. Seriously, it shouldn't take an hour to load one simple 11.8 MB file. It's taking all of my energy to not scream and chuck my computer across the room.

Ed watched from a distance as the three shinobi did their little practice routines or whatever. There was the creepy white-eyed kid, the girl whose placement seemed to be superfluous, and a mini-clone of Gai. Ed found himself wondering whether all the teams here were full of such weird people.

.5 MB left, people. I have hope.

As they watched, Ed found himself drifting away. Not in the literal sense, obviously, but in the "I dub thee o hay look a kitty lol I like fuzzy things" sort of way. Only he went from thinking about these peoples' training things to thinking about his and Al's training, and from there, he couldn't help thinking about those days before he'd lost his arm and leg. Everything had seemed so bright back then, they had hope for the future, they'd even had the idea of maybe bringing Winry's parents back after they'd brought Mom back, but he hadn't even thought about it since before the incident.

I now realize how long it's been since I've worked on this story. All that talk about downloading came from when chapter 76 came out, and we're waiting for chapter 79. I also discovered how to make my dorm room internet not be so pathetic, so we have hope for the future.

After a while, Ed felt something pulling on his braid, and he looked back to see Naruto there. A quick glance back at the field thingy showed that Gai's pupils were no longer down there. Lol when I went to add Gai's to the Word dictionary one of the possible 'correct spellings' was Gay's. Also, I just lost my train of thought. Aren't you glad I don't do this in my more serious fics?

"Are you deaf?" Naruto asked. "We've been trying to get your attention for a while now."

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention," Ed shot back.

Naruto snorted. "No wonder you need our protection."

"Say that again?" Ed growled as he stood up. This kid was just begging for another punch in the face.

"You heard me. If you can't even pay attention to something like this, then I'm surprised they let you into the military in the first place."

Ed smirked. "I'm not a soldier. I do research, which is probably something that'd go way over your head."

"ANYWAY," Sakura practically shouted. "We were curious about what the Amestrian military uses alchemy for."

Ed blinked and looked over at Sakura. "Oh. Well," he said, completely ignoring Naruto's attempts to break free from Kakashi's grip and attack him. "It's pretty obvious if you think about my country's history."

"Well, we don't exactly know much about Amestris, other than the fact that it has alchemy and it's been at war for years," Sakura said.

"And that's all you really need to know," Ed concluded. "The military has been doing research on various kinds of weapons, and when things get bad enough, the alchemists themselves are placed on the battlefield."

"So you use it to kill," Sasuke stated from his dark corner of the room.

"I don't. The military does."

"Um…" Sakura ventured. "Can we see what you mean?"

Ed blinked. "What, like a mock battle or something?"

"Yeah. I mean, if you don't have a problem with that."

Ed smiled. Sakura, despite her occasional violent outbursts and irritating love for Sasuke, was actually pretty nice. "No, no problem at all."

"Great!" Naruto exclaimed, finally getting out of Kakashi's clutches. "Let's go!"

Ed glared at the blonde, who had somehow returned to his ACTUAL HEIGHT OF 4'9", TWO INCHES SHORTER THAN ED THERE I FIXED MY MISTAKE, and nodded.

"The stairs are over there if you're too scared to jump," Naruto said before jumping down into the practice space. Ed took a quick glance down before looking at his arm. About 20 or so feet, his automail could take it. And so, he lightly pushed himself over the railing and landed nimbly on his right arm and left leg. He stood up and smirked at the slightly dumbfounded Naruto.

"Well? Are you waiting for something?" Ed asked as he pulled off his red coat.

"Actually, I think we should lay down some ground rules," Kakashi suddenly said from right behind Ed. Ed started a bit and watched as the masked ninja walked to a place between the two. "First off, don't try to kill each other. After all, we're trying to keep you alive, and I'd rather not have to find a replacement for my team. Second, no personal insults. We all know that'd just end in tragedy, so I don't want any of that. Third, you'll have to clean up any mess you make after the fight is over. Got it?"

Ed and Naruto both nodded and stood in front of each other as Kakashi jumped out of view. A minute later, the signal was given to them, and the fight began.

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The first thing Ed did was run to the side and hide in the trees. It was clear to him that Naruto expected him to be a coward, and so he decided to play along with it for a while. Of course, the brat had probably expected him to go for a direct attack first thing, so Ed had enough time to observe him and make a few mental notes.

Naruto liked shouting, there was no doubt about that. He also seemed to favor an attack that Ed had never seen before; creating doppelgangers. Ed would have to find out how to get rid of those things if he wanted to win. But for now, he needed to throw out some distractions.

He jumped from his current tree to the next before dropping down, clapping his hands, and transmuting all the nearby dirt into dust. He used the cover to create a decent replica of himself and ran around to the edge of the trees. He saw several Narutos jump into the dust, but he failed to see the one in the shadows until he was about to jump Ed. Ed leapt to the side and rolled a distance on the ground before coming to a stop; Naruto promptly jumped after him again, this time with a rock in hand. Ed managed to dodge again, but not as successfully. The rock landed with a thud against his back, and Ed collapsed, his back aching from the impact.

"Ha! You're already down!" Naruto shouted as he jumped one last time. Ed clapped his hands and placed one on the ground beside him, transmuting a wall that, judging by the loud thud and the puff of smoke that followed, got rid of the doppelganger with ease. Ed got up and looked around; a couple of Narutos were running at him from the trees. Ed transmuted a few more walls before jumping onto one of them and launching himself into the air. He came down from the air right above Naruto, and he stuck out his left leg in order to kick him in the face.

Sadly, that blow never came, because the other Naruto tackled him in midair and forced him to the ground. Ed clapped his hands once again and managed to place one on the ground beside him. He transmuted a spear out of the ground and swung it at Naruto's head. The blonde ninja used a knife to block the blow and kicked out at Ed as he tried to get to his feet. Ed managed to jump back, and he transmuted another wall between the two. He'd managed to get a good look around beforehand, and it seemed he had about six of the Narutos to deal with now. Maybe he'd have to pick things up a notch.

He clapped his hands again and placed them on the ground, this time opting to move all the ground around him. He was rewarded when he saw several figures flying into the air and disappearing with a puff of smoke. Ed quickly scaled the walls he'd created and took a brief look around. As far as he could tell, there was only one Naruto left. Hopefully there wouldn't be any more of them…

He landed neatly on the ground next to the spear he'd created and ran towards Naruto. The ninja saw him and jumped to the side before attempting to rush him. Ed jumped into the air when he saw this and kicked out at Naruto once again. This time, his foot connected with Naruto's cheek, and the ninja was knocked off his feet. Ed used this opportunity to transmute restraints against the blonde, praying that this wasn't another shadow.

After a moment or two of struggling against the earth that held him in place, Naruto hung his head in shame, and after another minute of silence, Ed took that to mean the fight was over. When Kakashi jumped down and confirmed this, Ed clapped his hands and freed Naruto before holding out a hand to help him up.

Naruto pushed himself up on his own, ignoring the hand, and began walking away, muttering to himself about how stupid the whole affair was. Ed simply watched for a moment before looking back at the surrounding area. Damn, the place was a mess…

"So you win," Kakashi said, placing a hand on Ed's shoulder. "That was impressive."

Ed shrugged the hand off and stared over at Naruto. The kid was now doodling in the dirt, and probably still muttering to himself. Ed was about to go talk to him when the hand on his shoulder returned.

"Now then, I think it's time to clean up. You too, Naruto."

"Why me? Most of this is his fault!" Naruto shouted.

"Yeah, but you still lost. Besides, it'll go more quickly with two of you."

Ed scowled and brought his hands together. He didn't feel like wasting his time with an argument like this, so he placed his hands on the ground and reverted everything to its original shape, more or less.

Everyone stared for a moment before Kakashi stepped forward. "Okay, then. I guess that's all taken care of."

As they walked back to the commercial area in town, Ed caught Naruto glancing at him a few times. However, the look in Naruto's eyes was a strange one. Instead of the typical anger or jealousy Ed had expected, there was something close to awe.

Close, but not quite. Naruto was still pretty damn angry about losing.

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So, we have a lot of snow up here. It's wonderful. :3


End file.
